TITLE: HANDS ON THE WHEEL

AUTHOR: DAVID HEARNE

CLASSIFICATION: Mulder/Scully WeddingFic (yeah, you heard)

RATING: PG

DISTRIBUTION: Can go anywhere.

SPOILERS: This story has enough episode references to choke a horse.
What's more, I've crammed in characters from other stories I've
written along with a man imagined by neither me or 1013. To sum up --
read at your own risk.

Send feedback to ottercrk@sover.net

Website is located at http://members.dencity.com/hearne

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It is a little-known fact about the universe that all of its
inhabitants are entitled to one completely, unambiguously happy day.

This is a story of such a day.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"BOWZZZZZtesting, testing, one two SQUUUAAAK..."

"That's a real pleasant noise there, Langly."

"In your ear, dwarf."

"That's the problem. It *is* in my ear."

"Look, I know how a sound system works, okay?"

"You have to know more than how to turn 'em on, blondie. This isn't
for one of those crap punk musicians you listen to. This is for one of
the best blues bands in the country..."

"One of the tardiest, anyway. Shouldn't they be here by now?"

"They have a very tight schedule. I was lucky to squeeze them in."

"'I?' What do you mean, 'I?'"

"*I* am the entertainment director and don't you forget it."

"How can I? You keep reminding me every freaking..."

"Boys?"

Melvin Frohike and Richard Langly turned to face an attractive woman
in her late fifties. She was smiling, but her words were quietly
stern. "I don't think squabbling is called for on this day. Right?"

Both men looked sheepish and said simultaneously, "No, Mrs. Scully."

"So why don't you just leave each other to do your work. I'm sure
you're both doing your best."

They nodded. Langly returned to fiddling with the speakers. Frohike
scurried out of the dining hall to perform his own duties.

Margaret Scully smiled and walked across the dance floor of the hall
to the table area. John Byers was checking over the layout on each
table with a clipboard in hand.

"Looking all right, John?" she asked.

"I think so. I'm almost done here. Then I'm going to check on the
gazebo."

Margaret laughed and shook her head. "I forgot about that. I'm so glad
you and your friends are helping me."

Byers smiled. "We're just fulfilling your plans. I mean, we might not
always look it..."

"Oh, I didn't mind that spat. Richard brought up a good point, though.
Are you sure this band will show up in time?"

"I hope so. The Burnsides do have a very active tour schedule, but
they are willing to do a performance here."

"How do they know Fox and Dana anyway?"

"They met in Florida. Apparently it was under unusual circumstances.
Of course, 'unusual circumstances' are very...usual for Mulder and
your daughter."

"What about this? Does this qualify as an 'unusual circumstance?'"

Byers looked at the white decorations hanging from the windows as he
tapped a pen against his clipboard. "It's unexpected," he admitted.
"But I'm glad that it happened."

"Me, too."

"Of course, I keep..."

Byers stopped himself. Margaret noticed his queasy expression. "What
is it?" she asked.

"I...I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop."

Margaret considered his statement, then said quietly, "Their lives
haven't given them too much room for happiness."

"I would say not."

Then Margaret smiled and touched Byers on the arm. "Don't worry, John.
This is God's house. He will look after them today."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

In the basement, an evil was awakening.

While Margaret Scully and her helpers worked at the ground floor of
St. John's Church, a presence began to take shape beneath their
feet. It could only be faintly seen, yet the basement's atmosphere had
already changed. The air became colder. The lighting dimmed. A foul
smell drifted from the corners.

The time was eight o'clock in the morning.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

When Mulder arrived at the church, Walter Skinner was waiting for him
in the entrance hall. Skinner gave Mulder a probing stare upon the
latter's entrance.

"What?" Mulder said.

"Just wondering if you had spent last night in drunken debauchery. I
see you haven't."

Mulder grinned. "The Lone Gunmen tried to talk me into that. I told
them that not only would I not get drunk with them, but since they
were supposed to be helping Mrs. Scully tomorrow, they better get lots
and lots of sleep. Did they?"

"Looks like it. At the reception, though, I'm sure one of them
will get plastered and make a complete fool out of himself."

"Which one?"

"Hm?"

"Which one will get plastered and make a fool out of himself?"

Skinner thought about that, then said, "Langly."

"Ha! Frohike by a long shot."

Skinner raised an eyebrow. "You mean, you're willing to bet on it?"

"Well, if you're willing to put up..."

"Twenty bucks?"

"Sounds good."

The two men shook hands. Then Mulder looked at their clasped hands.

"What is it?" Skinner said.

"Oh, it's just that..." Mulder slipped his hand out of Skinner's
grasp. "...I never thought we would be like this. In this position."

"No, I guess not," Skinner admitted. "I never thought
that...well...I would be the one to lead..."

"You're the first person we wanted for the job."

Skinner smiled. Or did his best approximation of a smile. "I'm deeply
flattered. To tell the truth, I thought I would be your best man, if
anything. Who got that job, by the way?"

"You'll be surprised."

"Hm. Okay, then. I take it Scully is still at home?"

"Yeah, she'll be coming up soon with William. It feels strange to come
separately, though."

"It's tradition."

"Guess I can't argue with that. I'm not in the mood to jinx anything."

"It's your standard wedding jitters, Mulder."

"It's a bit more than that."

Skinner gave Mulder another probing look. "What are you afraid of?"

"Just about everything. Any possibility. Scully and I have always
attracted the worst kind of trouble."

"Listen..." Skinner placed a hand on Mulder's shoulder. "...this is
your day. And nothing bad will happen."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

On the other end of town, guns were being loaded. A plan was being
implemented. A team was entering a van.

And someone was out for revenge.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Scully arrived at nine o'clock with William in her arms. She located
Byers and asked where her mother was.

"In the kitchen with Frohike."

That's where she found her mother settling another fracas. This time,
she was brokering peace between Frohike and the cooking staff.

"You put too much thyme in the soup, you ninnies!" he shouted at their
red faces.

"Melvin, I tasted the soup. It's fine. I'm sure they know...Dana!"

Margaret walked over to her daughter and gave her a hug. Frohike
warned the head chef that he would be "watching your ass" and then
walked after Margaret.

"Greetings, Scully. And how is my favorite little guy?"

William reached out and pinched Frohike on the nose.

"I don't know what it is with this kid and my nose," he commented.

"Maybe he thinks you're a Pez dispenser," Scully suggested. "So I see
you're terrorizing the kitchen staff."

"I just want things done right."

"Frohike, if this wedding can happen without anybody getting shot,
I'll be happy."

Scully added, "Uh, I didn't mean that literally."

Margaret smiled in a way that was both tense and comforting. "We
understand what you meant. Now come along. You have to get ready."

"Ah, could I speak with Scully alone for a moment?" Frohike requested.

"Of course," Scully said. She handed William over to Margaret. "I'll
be up with you in a minute." She whispered to William. "Be good to
Grandma."

After Margaret had left with the baby, Scully said, "So what is it?"

Frohike motioned her over to a secluded part of the kitchen. He said,
"I, uh...I felt we had to clear the air on a few things."

"Such as?"

"Well, for starters...remember the first time we met?"

"Oh, yes. Byers tore up one of my twenty-dollar bills."

"And I, um, called you..."

"Hot?"

"Yeah."

"I remember that, too."

"I only said that because it was true. And, jeez, you're even hotter
now."

"That's just the steam from all the pots."

Frohike squirmed. "Look, I...I'm not going to apologize for being
attracted to you. What I do want to say is that...over the years,
you've become something more than an occasional erotic fantasy of
mine."

"An occasional?"

"Scully..."

"I'm sorry. Go ahead."

"Well...you've become someone I've grown to admire. I can deal with
never being your lover. I would hate the fact that we would stop being
friends."

Scully stopped looking amused. "What makes you think that will
happen?"

"It's that..." Frohike rubbed the back of his head. "Between Mulder
and William, there will be a lot less time for you to spend on
investigating conspiracies."

"Are you worried that the same thing will happen to Mulder?"

"Yeah."

Scully studied the short man for a few seconds, then she placed her
hands gently on his cheeks and kissed him on the forehead. When she
stepped back, Frohike blinked repeatedly.

"You will always be my friend, Frohike. You will always be Mulder's
friend. I can't imagine life without you. And William is going to need
his uncle Melvin, uncle Richard and uncle John."

Frohike cleared his throat. "Uh...thanks."

"Anyway...I have to get ready." Scully gave Frohike a squeeze on the
shoulder, then left the kitchen. Frohike just stood there, not quite
feeling the ground underneath his feet.

Then he saw one of the kitchen attendants staring at him.

"What are you looking at? Get back to work!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Mulder looked at the tuxedo on the hanger as if it was a three-eyed
fish dangling from a hook. He was in a private room of the church. He
had to change, but he wasn't moving.

Someone knocked on the door. "Come in," Mulder said.

The door opened and Agent John Doggett poked his head in. "Hey," he
greeted Mulder.

"Hey, Doggett."

Doggett entered the room and closed the door behind him. He was
dressed in a formal suit. He looked over the gray sweater and blue
jeans on Mulder.

"Gonna take your vows in those clothes?" he asked.

"Actually I was thinking about doing it nude."

Doggett took another look at Mulder. "Are you doing all right?"

Mulder hung up the tuxedo on a peg and sighed. "I never thought I
would be here. I never thought that the woman who walked into my
office eight years ago would...you know..."

"How could you have known?"

"I couldn't have. Still to go from there to here..."

"A lot can happen in eight years."

"Yeah, well, a lot has happened. A lot of a lot. But there's a part of
me that still has trouble accepting this. That I'm a father and soon
to be a husband. It's all...just..."

Mulder shook his head. Doggett contemplated the other man for a few
moments, then walked up to him.

"You want some advice?" Doggett asked.

"Go ahead and give it."

Doggett slapped Mulder on the back of the head. Mulder spun toward
Doggett in surprise.

"You are about to marry a beautiful, incredible woman who loves you,"
Doggett said. "Deal with it."

Mulder stared at Doggett, then slowly smiled. "Thanks for the advice,"
he said.

"You're welcome. Now get dressed."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Many guests had already arrived at the church. After Doggett had left
Mulder and went looking for Skinner, he passed by some of them as they
talked in the front hall or sat in the pews.

He saw Agent Monica Reyes doing her whalesong impersonation for a
burly, pug-nosed woman. Agent Sally Ash watched her with raised
eyebrows.

"Wooooo. Wooooo. It's the most wonderful soothing noise."

"Uh-huh," Ash responded, her voice thick with a Southern accent. "So
just how did you get around the drug test?"

Doggett also passed by a pretty, buxom woman standing next to a man in
a wheelchair. They were talking with a fat Hispanic man who was
puffing on a cigar.

"It will be the new wave in air travel," Bambi Berenbaum declared.

"Insects have been neglected as a means of understanding flight,"
Doctor Ivanov spoke through an electronic vocoder. "Soon all airplanes
will model themselves on their biological design."

"I don't care what you two damn gringos say," Detective Tomas Carranza
shot back. "I am not getting in a plane which looks like a bumblebee."

Near the front of the cathedral were two old men having an argument.
"I can't believe you told him that cock-and-bull story about a
baseball-playing alien!"

"Look, brother, it really happened."

"In a pig's eye!"

Doggett wasn't having any luck finding Skinner in the church. He
decided to look for him outside. As he went outdoors, he noticed a man
trying to chat up a dark-haired lady.

"No, really," Wayne Federman said. "Richard Gere is a personal friend
of mine. If you wish to meet him..."

"I know all about wishes, pal," Jenn replied with a sardonic smile.

Doggett kept on looking until he heard a loud voice bellow a
hyphenated word. The first part of the word was a colloquialism for
"mother." The second part of the word was a noun used to describe a
person engaged in a sexual act.

The voice originated from the parking lot. Doggett headed toward
there and finally found Skinner. He was providing the audience for a
rant from a short, thick black man. The latter was the source of the
hyphenated word.

"I can't believe we're gonna do this. I can't believe we're gonna play
a wedding for a bunch of white mammy-f..."

"A.C, enough." This was spoken by the tall young black man behind him.
He and A.C. had just disembarked from a van in the parking lot. Also
with them was a white man whose face managed to be handsome and
ordinary at the same time.

"Skinner," Doggett called out.

Skinner turned and nodded to Doggett. "Hey, Doggett. We need your help
with these gentlemen's equipment."

Doggett looked over A.C. and the young man. "I know you guys," he
said. "You're the Burnsides."

Meyer Burnside nodded. "That we are."

"I caught you in New York once. You were real good."

"We're always good," A.C. growled.

"Where's your drummer?"

"He's our drummer," Meyer said, indicating the white man. Oscar Hall
nodded and smiled pleasantly. Doggett looked at him in suspicion. The
guy looked like a speaker at a 4-H club meeting, not the drummer of a
blues band.

"We met him down in Florida," Meyer explained. "The same place where
we met Mulder and Scully."

"I see." Then Doggett noticed the guitars and drum kit in the van.
"Wait a minute. Are you guys gonna play at the wedding?"

"Nah, we're here to cook pastries," A.C. snapped. "Of course, we're
here to play, you dumb mammy-fu..."

Meyer held up a hand. A.C. silenced himself.

"Yes, we're here to play," Meyer said. "Considering that Scully once
sang with us..."

"Whoa, whoa," Doggett interrupted. "Scully *sang*?"

"It's a long story. For now, we need help getting everything set up."

"Wow," Doggett said with a smile. "From FBI agent to roadie. Sure,
I'll help." Then he turned to Skinner. "Afterwards we need to review a
few things."

"Sure," the assistant director said. Then he sighed.

"What is it?"

Skinner made no reply. He just held up two pairs of crossed fingers.

Doggett looked around him. He suddenly felt too exposed. He shook
himself and said, "Yeah, me too."

As everyone started to remove equipment from the van, Oscar Hall
abruptly froze. "What is it?" Meyer asked him.

Oscar just stared at the church with a distant yet worried expression.

"Oscar, what is it?"

The drummer contemplated the church for a few seconds, then shrugged
and continued to help with the unloading.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The church basement was getting colder and darker. A muted buzzing
could be heard.

Across town, the van full of armed people continued on its way to the
church.

The time was nine-forty-five A.M.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"We've got a problem."

Byers stopped checking on the outside gazebo and slowly, slowly turned
to Frohike. "Yes?" he said.

"The cooking staff just quit."

Byers closed his eyes. "They quit?"

"Uh, yeah."

Byers opened his eyes -- slowly, slowly. "Don't they realize that they
have been paid to service us?"

"They do. They told me they don't care."

"Oh, for God's sake, Frohike, what did you say to them?"

"Why is this my fault?"

"Because you..." Byers took a few moments to calm himself, then
checked his watch. "It is nine-fifty-eight. In roughly two hours,
lunch will begin and we have dozens of guests to feed. Has enough food
been cooked to serve them?"

"I would say no."

"Then how do we solve this dilemma? Order out for pizza?"

"Excuse me," a quiet yet deep voice said. Both of the Lone Gunmen
turned. When they saw somebody's chest, they lifted their gaze upward.

A very tall white man looked back down at them. "We couldn't help but
overhear you." The tall man indicated the black man with dreadlocks
next to him. "Do we understand correctly that you are in need of a
chef?"

"Are you offering to help?" Byers asked.

"We are. And we'll do it for free."

"That's..."

"Wait a minute," Frohike interrupted. "Do you two know anything about
cooking?"

Vic Franklin looked at Buju. Then they turned back to Frohike. "We
know a few t'ings," Buju assured him.

"I'm sure your skills will be more than capable," Byers quickly said.

"We will do our best," Vic promised. "However...there is one thing we
require."

"What's that?"

Vic walked up to Frohike. The tall man's shadow covered the small man.
With a slight smile, he said, "To be left alone."

Frohike swallowed. "That can be arranged."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Oh, you look so beautiful! Doesn't she look beautiful, Mrs. Scully?"

"Yes, she does. And please call me Margaret."

Leyla Harrison nodded, looking honored. "This is like a dream come
true. You wouldn't believe for how long I've been hoping this would
happen."

"You were?" Dana Scully said.

"I always knew you two would be perfect for each other."

Scully looked at herself in the mirror. Leyla and Margaret had just
helped to put the finishing touches on her dress. She looked at
the long white contours and the decorative flower.

Then she turned and looked at William sitting in his grandmother's
lap.

"Is something wrong?" Margaret asked, noticing the solemn look on her
daughter's face.

"No," Scully said. "Everything is right. That's precisely why it
feels..."

She was interrupted by a knocking on the door. "Hey, can I come in?" a
voice called out with a slightly abrasive pitch.

"Come in, Bill," Margaret said.

Bill Scully, Jr. shuffled awkwardly into the dressing room. "Hi," he
said, nodding to everybody. "How are you..."

Then his eyes settled on Scully. "Wow," he said.

Margaret smiled. "Isn't she a sight?"

Bill responded with a laugh -- a strange, choked laugh which resembled
a cough. It made Margaret blink and Leyla squirm.

Scully just...looked at him. "Is there something you want to talk
about, Bill?"

"Oh, uh...I just wanted to say how happy I am for you."

"You are?" Scully said.

"You are?" Margaret echoed.

"Yeah, Mulder is a real great guy. I'm sure you two will have a super
marriage."

"I see," Scully replied. "Well, thank you."

"And I feel so honored to be Mulder's best man."

"I'm glad you do."

Bill grinned, then shuffled over to Scully and gave her a wet kiss on
the forehead. "My little sister," he mused, then knuckled lightly her
on the chin. "Well, I better leave you to your, you know, woman stuff.
See you downstairs."

He headed for the door. On his way there, he stopped by Margaret and
rubbed William's head. "Hey, little guy," he said.

After he had left the room, Leyla said, "Your brother is, uh, nice."

"Yeah, real nice," Scully observed in a flat voice.

Margaret said, "I guess he's gotten used to...Dana, what are you
doing?"

Scully was writing a note. "Leyla, I want you to give this to Agent
Mulder."

Leyla nodded and left the room with the folded piece of paper. Then
Scully turned to Margaret and said, "Where's my cell phone?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Mulder strolled into the main dining hall. He saw Langly fiddling with
the sound control panel as the Burnsides tuned up their guitars.

"Could you turn up the monitor a little more?" Meyer said. "Thanks.
One-two...oh, hey, Agent Mulder."

"Hey, Meyer. Glad you guys could make it."

"You better be glad, sucker," A.C. growled.

"It's a pleasure to be here," Meyer insisted after he glanced at A.C.
"That little encounter down in Florida was...interesting."

Meyer paused, then added, "Of course, I have the strange feeling that
we've met..."

Mulder was tapped on the shoulder. He turned and got punched in the
stomach. When he saw the face of Bill Scully, Jr., he thought, "Oh,
God, he's finally going to beat me up." Then he realized that the
punch was more playful than aggressive.

"Looking good, big guy," Bill said. "Should you be walking around
here, though? Isn't that against tradition?"

"Uh, it's okay. As long as I don't see Scully."

"Sure, sure. Well, are you excited?"

Mulder looked at Bill's cheerful expression and said, "I suppose so."

"Great!"

That's when Leyla Harrison entered the hall. "Agent Mulder?" she
called out, holding up a note.

"Excuse me," Mulder said to Bill, then walked over to Leyla. Bill
stayed in his spot, looking around at the decorated hall.

Leyla handed Mulder the note. He read it.

Then he looked with hard eyes in Bill's direction. "Thanks, Leyla," he
said. "Stay right here."

He walked back toward the stage. Bill seemed to finally notice the
Burnsides. "Hey, are you guys the band?"

"To all intents and purposes," Meyer answered in a dry voice.

"Do you know any Jon Bon Jovi?"

A.C.'s eyes widened. His certainly-to-be-obscene response was cut off
by Mulder.

"Hey, Bill," Mulder said with a smile.

"Yeah?"

"I was just thinking...Scully and I want to have children, of course."

"Of course."

"What do you think we should name our first-born child?"

"Hmmm. Well, I guess Ed is a good name."

Langly looked up from the panel in confusion. Leyla narrowed her eyes.
Mulder nodded and said, "I thought you might say that."

Mulder grabbed Bill, spun him around and bent him forward over the
edge of the stage. Bill cried out in pain as Mulder jerked his right
arm behind his back. The Burnsides stepped away from Bill in surprise.

"Yeoowch! What are you doing..."

"Give it up, Eddie."

'Bill' kept quiet for a few moments, then he sighed. The skin rippled
over his body. Meyer and A.C. saw 'Bill' transform into a shorter,
round-faced man.

Meyer said, "Well, I'll be a big, bad mammy-fu..."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The van stopped a block away from the church. One of the four people
in the van checked his watch. It was fifteen minutes after ten.

"Maybe we should hit them now..." he suggested to his leader.

"No," she said. "We do it when they're all gathered in the church. And
right when Mulder and Scully are taking their vows."

"All right."

"One more thing..."

The leader held up a photo of a bald-headed man wearing glasses. "This
one is mine."

"Any reason why?"

Marita Covarrubias tightened her grip around a M-60. "A very good
reason," she answered.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Well, you were right," Leyla said after she returned to Scully's
private room. "It wasn't your brother."

"It wasn't?" Margaret said.

"Long story, mom," Scully said. "I just got off the phone with the
Cumberland Reformatory. Eddie Van Blundht escaped a couple of days
ago. Somebody forgot to give him his muscle relaxant and he used his
shape-changing abilities to break out."

"Eddie who? Shape-what?"

"Again, mom, long story."

Margaret crossed her arms over her chest. "You need to tell me a lot
of things, young lady."

Scully smiled in a sheepish way.

"Why didn't the prison tell us about this sooner?" Leyla asked.

"Another snafu. Anyway, where's Bill?"

"They found him in the gardener's shed. He's okay. Just a
little...off-balance."

"Did Eddie explain what he was doing here anyway?"

"Well, there's an interesting answer..."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I had to come. I deserve the credit for this, you know."

Mulder stared at Eddie while the latter sat in a chair. "Really?" the
groom said.

"What did I tell you all those years ago? 'Treat yourself.' And you
did."

Mulder pressed his teeth together for a second, then said, "Eddie, you
have nothing to do with this whatsoever."

"Don't I? Tell me, how did you get here to this point?"

"Scully saw Buddha."

"Huh?"

"Never mind. What we have to deal with now is what to do with you."

"Uh...what are you going to do?"

"That's for Scully to decide."

Eddie grimaced. "Okay."

The two men stayed silent in the dining hall for a few moments. Then
Eddie said, "So I take it that, uh, the baby is yours and Dana's?"

"Yes. It is."

"Well, I obviously didn't know that. So I guess you're marrying her to
make a honest woman out of her."

Mulder looked away from Eddie.

"What was she like?"

Mulder quickly turned back to the shape-changer. "Excuse me?"

"Well, I never got to find out, you know. So...just between us two
guys...what's she like in bed?"

Leyla's entrance saved Eddie from being strangled. She had just come
back with Scully's message.

"She says that since getting rid of Eddie would be too much trouble
now...he can stay for the wedding."

Mulder frowned, but nodded. "All right. You can stay, Eddie."

"Great!" the shape-changer exclaimed.

"Handcuffed and stuck in the back."

"Oh."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

As he stood in a bathroom, Bill Scully, Jr. was nursing his head with
an ice-pack. He heard footsteps and turned to see Mulder.

"Hey," Bill said.

"Hey. You're going to be all right?"

"I think so. I'll still be able to do my duties."

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but...what do you remember?"

Bill raised an eyebrow. "What do I remember? I remember some guy who
looked exactly like me knocking me out. That's what I remember."

"I see."

"So this guy is supposed to be...what? A shape-changer?"

"That's it exactly."

Bill studied Mulder for many seconds.

"You know," he said, "when I first got this offer to be your best man,
I thought, 'Hell, no.'" Then I realized that nothing I did would
keep this marriage from happening. So I agreed, just to keep the
peace."

"What do you think now?"

"I'm thinking...maybe this marriage had to be. Maybe it's fate."

"And love, too. Don't forget that."

"Well, that's all I have to say about it. Though I would like to know
why you wanted me to be your best man in the first place."

"Because you being here would make Scully happy. And...because we're
going to be family."

"Damn."

"Yeah. Damn."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"So this guy was a shape-shifter?"

"That's it."

Doggett sighed and looked up. He and Skinner were standing outside on
the front steps of the church.

"The kitchen staff quit," Doggett said. "And the best man was attacked
by a shape-shifter. When are the tornadoes coming?"

"Actually, good weather is the one thing we can depend on today."

"How can you be so sure?"

Before Skinner could answer, they heard the rumble of engines. They
quickly turned to the street.

Three Harley-Davidsons were riding in their direction. Doggett and
Skinner watched the riders approach the church. They tightened their
hands into fists and readied themselves for anything.

The cycles stopped in front of the church. Sitting on them were two
women and one man. Another woman rode in an attached side car on one
of the bikes. Only one rider wasn't wearing a helmet. Skinner took a
moment to recognize her.

"Miss Kalahan!"

An overweight woman threw Skinner a smile with missing teeth. "Hey,
G-Man."

Skinner turned to the other riders. They were all wearing helmets, but
he could guess whom the single male was. That one took his helmet off
and showed his handsome blonde head to the world. "Guess who's back?"
he declared.

"Detective Miles," Skinner said. "I wasn't sure if you were going to
make it."

"Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss this for the world and a threesome
with Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta-Jones."

"Who's this?" Gloria Kalahan asked, staring at Doggett. "Another fed?"

"Actually, I am," Doggett said.

"Figures. You've got oppressive male patriarchy written all over you."

"Excuse me?"

"Now, now, Gloria," the second woman said as she took off her helmet.
"Let's not start anything."

Skinner and Doggett stared at this woman. She was beautiful and that's
about all that needs to be said. She had the kind of looks which could
make two Vietnam veterans feel humble in her presence.

She walked up to the two men with a smile and an extended hand.
"Hello. I'm Sonia Carranza."

"Uh...hi," Doggett said as he shook her hand. His fingers felt numb in
her light grip.

"Carranza?" Skinner said. "Any relation to Detective Carranza?"

"I'm his niece."

Miles went up to Sonia and placed an arm over her shoulders. With an
enormous grin, he said, "She's also my wife."

"You damn liar," Skinner replied.

"I know, I know. It's too good to be..."

"No, I can't believe that you actually got married."

Sonia laughed. "True. We were all mighty surprised."

"What can I say?" Miles said. "There's somebody for everybody. Right,
Skinner?"

"What do you mean by that?"

Miles turned to the Harleys. That's when Skinner took note of the
third woman. She was hauling herself out of the side-cart. Her legs
were unsteady. She removed her helmet, sighed, and faced Skinner.

The assistant director didn't know whether to embrace the woman or
flee.

"I've just came up from Florida on a motorcycle," Audrey Borg said.
"You better be glad to see me, you bald-headed son-of-a-bitch."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"That's the guy you want to do personally, right?"

Marita stared at Skinner from her distant viewpoint and nodded.

"Who's that woman he's talking with?"

"I don't know," Marita said as Skinner and a black woman talked on the
steps to the church. The others had left them alone. Both Skinner and
the black woman held their arms tightly against their own bodies as if
they weren't sure what to do with them.

"Looks like he's got some issues with her," the hitman observed.

"Looks like they're in love," Marita said. "Which means she's mine as
well."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Byers and Frohike were doing a last-minute check in the cathedral when
they were approached by Langly. "Have you guys taken a whiff near the
kitchen?" the blonde-haired man asked.

"I haven't," Frohike grumbled. "I'm not allowed near there."

"Well, I don't know what that Jamaican and that Southern dude are
cooking, but it smells good."

"Here's hoping that it tastes as good as it smells." Byers checked his
watch. "It's ten-twenty-two." He looked over the church. More and more
guests were assembling in the pews.

"Soon it will start," he said.

"You make it sound so ominous, man," Langly observed.

"I can't help it. I'm in an ominous mood."

"Come on, Byers," Frohike said. "You've micromanaged this thing up the
wazoo. What could go wrong?"

Byers gave Frohike a look.

"Okay. A few things have gone wrong. But there's no need to feel so
much pressure..."

Two large arms wrapped themselves around the men and squeezed all
three of them together. "Hey, guys!" a cheerful voice said.

The Lone Gunmen replied with moans. "Jimmy, you goof, let us go!"
Frohike demanded.

Jimmy Bond did so, but kept his arms over the smaller men's shoulders.
"Big day, huh?"

"Yes," Byers said, rubbing his arms. "It is."

"Been awhile since we've seen you," Langly said. "Or Yves. Where is
she anyway?"

"Look for yourself," Jimmy said, pointing behind him.

The Lone Gunmen looked in the direction and then blinked. They saw
Yves wearing her traditional black clothing. However, it was now a
wider cut in order to accommodate the forty extra pounds she had
acquired.

"Hi!" she called out, waving with the half-eaten croissant in her
hand.

The Lone Gunmen waved back, looking bewildered.

Then Yves sniffed at the air. "Hey, something smells good!" She ran
out of the cathedral on her stubby legs.

"She's, uh, changed," Byers observed.

"I convinced her to get out of that espionage stuff," Jimmy said.

"I meant the change in her...figure."

Jimmy shrugged. "Yeah, she's put on a little weight. But it's what
inside that counts. Right?"

The Lone Gunmen looked at each other, then nodded at Jimmy. "Sure."
"Of course." "Absolutely."

"Anyway, I'll see you guys after the wedding. We've got a lot to talk
about. Catch you later."

Jimmy left the Gunmen and went after Yves. "Hope he catches up with
her before she reaches the kitchen," Frohike said. "We might not have
anything left for the reception."

Byers and Langly started to giggle, but then they heard throats
clearing. They turned to see Agent Sally Ash and Gloria Kalahan. They
were both glaring at the Lone Gunmen with their large arms crossed
over their chest.

"You boys have somethin' against fat women?" Ash asked.

"Uh..."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Margaret Scully held her grandchild in her arms.

Her grandchild...

The son of her daughter...

Miracles were easy to hope for, but hard to accept. William was as
strange to look upon as an alien or a shape-changer. Here he was, a
normal baby created by the love between a man and a woman. How could
this happen in the strange lives of his parents?

Margaret looked up and saw her daughter dressed in a wedding gown. She
was waiting for eleven o'clock. That time would begin the ceremony
uniting her with the man she loved. After all the misery and danger
she had experienced, Dana Scully would now marry the person from whom
she had spent so many years separated by fear, uncertainty and the
manipulations of others.

She was silent and unmoving. A grim attitude lurked uneasily on her
lovely features.

Margaret wanted to say something to assure her daughter that joy was
for the taking today; that the world promised only kindness in this
moment; that everything will be all right.

Instead she checked her watch. "It's ten-thirty-six," she said.

Scully nodded. "Why don't you go downstairs with William?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm sure."

"All right." Margaret stood up, then turned to the door.

"Mom?"

"Yes?"

Scully motioned toward William. Margaret brought the child over to
her.

The bride reached up and touched William lightly on the head. Then she
ran her fingers down to his shoulder, across his arm and stopped on
his hand. She held onto those tiny fingers.

William held onto her hand.

Scully released a long breath, then said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Margaret finally found the right words to say. "No one is going to
hurt anyone today, Dana. Not in this place. God will look after us
here."

Scully smiled...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

.....but her mother was completely wrong.

St. John's Church had a history about which no living person knew.
Many decades ago, its priest followed his true religion in the
basement. Only the light of candles would observe the rituals he
performed with kidnapped children. Only the shadows were witnesses to
the sacrifices made to dark forces.

The disappearances of these children were never solved. The priest
went to his grave, damned yet still secretive about his crimes.
However, the church had been marked by his acts. Children's blood had
allowed evil to breach the protection of divinity. For decades,
services were held in the church by people completely unaware that the
evil had a hidden entrance into their fortress.

That entrance was being opened now. No angel could protect the church
from what was coming.

And nobody who had once been an angel, either.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"So why didn't you just take a plane?"

Audrey Borg smiled slightly as she puffed on a cigarette. "Because
Detective Miles convinced me that it would be fun to go by motorcycle.
The strange thing, though -- it felt familiar to me. It's as if I had
spent a long time beforehand just travelling on the highways. Of
course, I've never done anything like that in the past."

"Or you can't remember it."

Audrey stopped smiling. "No. I can't remember it."

Skinner shoved his hands into his pockets. "Just like you can't
remember why you fell in love with me."

"No more than you can remember why you fell in love with me."

Skinner and Audrey stayed silent for a long moment.

"So...Mulder and Scully are getting married," Audrey said.

"Yep."

"Detective Miles said that he had to see this for himself.
Considering, you know, that he once tried to seduce them both."

"And you?"

"I'm looking at my reason."

"What do you expect to happen?"

"I don't know." Audrey smiled again. "Probably something completely
disastrous."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Detective Carranza checked his watch. The time was ten-forty-three.
"Let's get this damn show on the road," he grumbled.

"Patience, Uncle," Sonia said, sitting at his left in a pew.

"Yeah, settle down your fat ass," Miles told his partner cheerfully.
He was seated at Sonia's left. Carranza looked past his niece at the
blonde detective.

"Speaking of ass," he said, "refrain from humping anybody here.
Especially not the people getting married."

"I don't know, Tomas. There's something about a red-haired woman in
white..."

Miles felt a finger tap him on the shoulder. He turned to see an
attractive, dark-haired man sitting in the pew behind him. "I guess we
both missed our chance," the stranger said.

"Excuse me?"

"With Agent Scully, I mean."

Miles slowly nodded and smiled. "Right." He held out a hand.
"Detective Miles. Miami."

"Detective Kresge," the other man replied as he shook Miles' hand.
"San Diego."

"So you...what? Met her on a case?"

"Yep. You too, I take it."

"Right." Kresge paused, then said, "She is something, isn't she?"

"M-hm. He's something, too."

"Who is?"

"Mulder."

Kresge first looked puzzled. This was followed by awareness and a bit
of discomfort. Then he laughed it off and said, "I guess our stories
aren't completely similar then."

"Guess not. Did you ever tell her about how you felt?"

"You know...I never did. To tell the truth, I never met her that long.
I often thought about calling her up in D.C., but...well...what about
you?"

"Oh, I told her. I told them both."

At this point, Sonia turned her head and stepped into the
conversation. "He only wanted sex. His mistake."

"Hey, it worked before."

"It wouldn't have worked on Mulder and Scully. They put their hearts
first before any other bodily organ. Or anything else."

"How can you be so sure?" Miles asked. "You've never met them."

"I know enough through you. Would you agree with me, Detective
Kresge?"

"Yeah," Kresge said. "That's Scully exactly. That's part of what
attracted me to her in the first place. But I guess I never had a
chance, did I?"

"Don't worry about it, Detective Kresge. There's someone for
everybody." She winked at the detective in such a way that made him
incredibly happy.

Then Sonia leaned over to her husband and whispered, "You know, it's
all right for you to hump me."

Sonia and Miles started to get up. "Sit down," Carranza ordered.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Mulder had returned to the small changing room. At ten-forty-eight, he
was waiting for Bill Scully. He was dressed in his wedding suit, but
his brooding attitude belonged to a teenager who had just lost his
prom date.

He stood alone in the room.

But not for long.

"Agent Mulder?"

He spun around to find another man in the room. This other man was
dressed in a sheriff's uniform. He had a good-looking face which
seemed to hover between adulthood and youth.

He tipped his hat to Mulder. "Howdy."

Mulder stumbled back to a corner of the room. He held up his
forefingers to form a cross. "Back, back!" the agent yelled.

"Oh, settle down, Agent Mulder. I ain't here to hurt you. Besides,
that stuff don't work on me anyway."

Mulder lowered his hands, cleared his throat and said, "How did you
get in here?"

"Just another trick I know."

"Okay. Why are you here, Sheriff Hartwell?"

"I just thought I would wish you luck on your wedding day."

Mulder narrowed his eyes. "Really?"

"Really."

"And that's it?"

Hartwell shrugged.

"And I'm supposed to feel...what way about this?"

"Any way you want, Mulder. I'm also here to give you a bit of advice."

"Great. Advice from a vampire sheriff."

Hartwell took three steps toward Mulder who found himself cringing
again. With a solemn face, Hartwell said, "Treat Scully right."

"Uh...that's it?"

"That's all you need to do."

"Well, I don't need to be told that."

"Do you?"

Mulder thought about the past eight years and found his shoulders
drooping with each remembered misdeed. "I haven't always done the best
things for her. In fact, I've committed some very stupid mistakes. I
don't know..."

He stopped himself. "You don't know what?" Hartwell asked.

"I don't know if I'm good enough for her. I don't know if I can give a
good life to her and our son."

Hartwell studied Mulder for a few moments, then said, "Do you think
Scully is a smart person?"

"Well...yes. She's the smartest person I've ever known."

"Trust her judgment, then. If she wants to spend her life with you, I
reckon you can't be all bad."

Mulder considered those words, then said with no irony, "Thanks,
Sheriff."

Hartwell smiled and patted Mulder on the shoulder. "Trust me.
Everything is going to be all right."

There was a knocking on the door. Mulder looked past the vampire's
shoulder to the door and heard Bill Scully say, "Mulder?"

He no longer felt Hartwell's hand. He turned to face Hartwell, but
found only air in front of him.

Bill said, "Mulder, it's time."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Scully sat on a chair with a white skirt billowing around her. Her
head was bent forward, her eyes were closed and her hands were clasped
together. She was alone in the room.

But not for...

"Who are you praying to, Agent Scully?"

Scully's eyelids leapt up and her body stiffened. With her in the room
was a young man in his late teens. At first, she didn't recognize him.

Then she said, "Kevin?"

Kevin Kryder smiled and wiggled his fingers at her. "Hi."

"Why...why are you here?" Scully's skin felt cold. "Is something going
to happen?"

"You mean, like the apocalypse? Nah. Of course, Mariah Carey starring
in her own movie is a good sign of the End Times."

"I mean...is something going to happen here? Is someone going to get
hurt?"

"Should somebody?"

"Kevin, please. I have had enough with oblique answers and double-talk
in my life. I just want a straight answer for once."

"From who? From God?"

Scully leaned her head forward again and pressed a hand upon
her brow. "It wouldn't hurt..." she muttered.

"You've been wondering where does God fit in the world. You once
regained your faith, but then there was that case with the four girls.
And after what you saw in Africa..."

"You seem to have been keeping an eye on me."

"Not really. I just know these things."

Scully looked into the teenager's eyes. "Do you know the reason behind
it all? Do you know why God seems to hide behind so much mystery?"

"Of course I don't. I'm just a teenage male trying to get to second
base with my girlfriend. Her name is Jennifer. I've got a picture of
her somewhere..."

Scully grabbed one of Kevin's hands. "Kevin, I really need you help."

Kevin looked back at Scully and he suddenly seemed much older -- at
least, in his eyes. "I can't give you 'The Answer.' But I think God
has given you one answer about life."

"What's that?"

"You know it." Kevin squeezed Scully's hand. "Trust me. Everything is
going to be all right."

Skinner knocked on the door and called out to Scully. When the bride
looked at the door, she felt Kevin release her hand. She quickly
turned back to where he had been.

Stress the word 'had.'

"Agent Scully, it's time."

Scully took a long breath, then pulled herself off the chair. As she
headed for the door, she muttered, "Mariah Carey is in a movie?
Jesus..."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Marita was aiming a surveillance dish at the church. She could hear
organ music through an earpiece. All the guests were assembled in the
cathedral.

"It's time," she said.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Gibson Praise poked a finger in the collar of his little suit. "I feel
like a dork," he complained. Then he quickly turned to Leyla Harrison
and snapped, "And I don't look as cute as a panda bear."

"Did I think that?" Leyla asked with a smile. The two of them were
standing in the front hall of the church. They could hear organ music
behind the door to the main cathedral.

"Yes."

"Well, it's true."

Gibson moaned. Then he and Leyla heard footsteps. They turned to see
Skinner. Dressed in a formal suit, he had an arm tucked around the
elbow of the woman at his side. Gibson looked at Dana Scully with her
curved torso against the soft fabric of her dress, a cleavage just low
enough to reveal the smooth skin above her breasts, red hair blending
carefully with the whiteness drifting around her, and blue eyes which
seemed to pierce the veil in front of her face.

He lurched a full year in his sexual development.

"I said it before, I'll say it again," Leyla announced. "You look
beautiful, Agent Scully."

"I thank you again," Scully answered quietly, then looked at Gibson.
"And you look handsome, Gibson."

"Th-thanks."

"I'm glad you could be the ring-bearer."

"No, uh, no problem."

The familiar melody of "dum-dum-de-dum" pressed against the doors.
"Come on, folks," Skinner said. "Semper Fi."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Marita marched toward the church. The three hitmen were right
alongside her. The men held guns which were more emotive than their
faces. In Marita's blue eyes, though, hatred burned bright.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Until Scully entered the cathedral, Mulder had been watching his son.
He was sleeping in Margaret's lap. Occasionally Margaret would smile
at the groom and he would smile back with less conviction.

When the doors opened, he looked down the aisle.

He saw her approaching the altar. Gibson walked in front of her with
the rings on a pillow. Leyla was just behind her carrying a bouquet in
her hands and a big smile on her face. Skinner wasn't smiling. As he
led Scully down the aisle, he gave the impression that he was about to
throw her to the ground, cover her with his body and start shooting
intruders.

He vaguely noticed those three people with her, just as he was dimly
aware of the other people in the church. Bambi was squeezing Doctor
Ivanov's arm as the two watched Scully in amazement. Jenn had just
lost her usual sardonic expression and Detective Carranza no longer
wore his common scowl. Wayne Federman was leaning over to Gloria and
saying, "Wow, she looks better than Jodie Foster." Gloria was telling
him to "shut his damn mouth." Max Miles was shaking his head and
smiling. Reyes was already dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief. In
the back, a handcuffed Eddie Van Blundht was trying to get Scully's
attention until Doggett slapped him on the back of the head.

These details barely registered with Mulder. He could only focus on
Dana Scully as she walked toward him.

"This is not happening," he whispered.

Scully watched Mulder as she got closer and closer to the altar. She
was also merely semi-aware of everything that wasn't Mulder. She could
see Father McCue's smile and the strange expression on her brother's
face. (Bill Scully didn't know what to make of this situation. He only
knew that it felt...right.) The handsome, dark-haired man might as
well have been fifty feet tall for the way he engulfed her view.

"This is not happening," she whispered.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"This will happen," Marita said as she marched up the front steps of
the church with her crew. "This will happen now..."

"No. It won't."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Skinner guided Scully to her spot by the altar. Right before he
released her arm, he gave her the briefest and tiniest of smiles. She
saw it, though. She gave him an equally brief and tiny smile.

Then she turned to face Mulder.

They looked at each other.

They still couldn't believe this was happening.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Marita and the hitmen stopped, turned and saw a Hispanic woman. She
was plain-looking and wore a gray jacket. The headphones of a Walkman
dangled over her neck. She had just stepped around a corner of the
church and was walking toward Marita with her hands in her pockets.

Marita could have shot her right then. The hitmen could have done the
same. However, as the Hispanic woman looked them in the eyes, they
found themselves waiting for her move.

She stopped by the left edge of the steps. "Do you know who I am?" she
asked Marita.

The blonde woman examined her for a moment, then nodded. "You're Alma
Orozco."

Alma smiled. "And you're Martia Covarrubias. We've never formally met,
but I guess our reputations precede each other."

"Alex told me about you. He said that you made sure everything went to
hell."

"No. I just showed him the hell he was living in." Alma paused, then
said, "So...the smoking man is dead."

"Yes."

"And Alex is dead."

"...yes."

"So now you're going to make Mulder, Scully and the rest dead."

"Yes."

"No."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Father McCue opened his Bible and said, "We are gathered here
today..."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I got wind of what you were going to do. I'm here to stop you."

"How?"

"If I told you, then it wouldn't be a surprise."

"Miss Covarrubias..." one of the hitmen said.

"Hold still," Marita ordered, then glared at Alma. "You're bluffing.
You have nothing."

"That's what it looks like, doesn't it?" Alma spread out her arms.
"Looks like it's just me." She slowly lowered her hands to her sides.
"But you should by now that appearances are deceiving, Miss
Covarrubias."

The hitmen looked around them.

"If you want to find out if I'm bluffing, call my bet."

Marita's finger scratched against the trigger of her weapon. The
frustration on her face had its opposite in the Hispanic woman's cool
eyes.

"Why are you here?" Martia demanded to know.

"I don't know. Why are you here?"

Marita took several quick breaths, then whispered, "I lost the man I
love."

Alma snorted. "From what I heard, you suckered him once."

"And you killed the man you loved," Marita spat back.

"That's right," Alma said without hesitation. "I did. So imagine what
I could do to you."

"Miss Covarrubias, we need to either start this mission or abort it,"
a hitman said in a blunt voice. "Your decision."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"...to unite Fox William Mulder with Dana Katherine Scully in the holy
act of..."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"You still haven't explained why you're here," Marita asked Alma.

"I'm here...because I like Mulder and Scully."

There was a long pause.

Then Marita said, "That's it?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

Marita studied the casual pose of Alma Orozco. She saw a woman
completely unafraid of death.

"Abort," the blonde woman said.

The hitmen quickly strode back to the van. Marita remained on the
steps. "You can't watch over them all the time," she told Alma.

"No. But you'll never know when I'm not there."

Marita gave Alma one last disgusted look, then turned to leave. Her
body jerked to a halt when Alma touched her on the arm.

"Get out of this life, Marita. Get out while you still can."

Marita didn't look at Alma, but she smiled. "You must be joking."

She followed the hitmen to the van. Alma listened to the engine
start and watched the van drive away.

She looked at the church. "Be happy, you two," she said. "Somebody has
to be."

Then she put on her headphones, turned on her Walkman and left the
church behind her as she whistled "Keep on the Sunny Side."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Meanwhile, back in the church...

"If anyone should know why this marriage should not take place..."

Mulder and Scully smiled at each other, but in a grim way. Something
was going to happen. They both knew it. Something just *had* to
happen.

And it did.

"...let him speak now or forever hold his peace."

"SPEAKING!!"

The top of the altar popped off and out jumped a bare-chested man with
a pointed goatee on his chin. Skinner, Doggett, Agent Sally Ash,
Detective Carranza and Gloria Kalahan were getting into ass-whupping
mode (and there was enough ass-whupping potential there to handle a
thousand asses.) However, when the intruder was followed by a man
dressed only in a loincloth and covered in tattoos, even that bunch
had to be given pause by the strange, hungry look in the tattooed
man's eyes.

"What the hell are you doing, Blockhead?" Scully barked.

"First of all, it's DOCTOR Blockhead," the bare-chested man said.
"Second, don't curse in a church. Third, you'll thank me for this
later."

Before Scully could indulge in some serious cursing, Blockhead turned
to McCue and declared, "As a great comedian once said, 'I WISH TO
REGISTER A COMPLAINT!!'"

McCue fumbled for a response. No one had told him official
procedure should anybody actually take that whole "objection" thing at
face value. Not knowing what else to do, he said, "And...that is...?"

Blockhead turned to the congregation with his arms stretched out wide.
"My objection is not to this specific marriage. I'm sure the love
between these two is pure and honest; that they're soul-mates; that
they're destined to be together and so on and so forth. No, my
objection is not to this ceremony taking place..."

Skinner looked to Mulder and Scully for advice on how to handle this.
Their weary expressions said, "Let him speak. Force freaking majeure."

"...but, rather, it's the very nature of such ceremonies as this which
repulse me. Tell me, ladies and gentleman... and various androgynous
beings..."

Hands restrained Gloria from launching herself onto Doctor Blockhead.

"...what is the driving force behind the world?"

Blockhead looked upon all the blank faces, then said, "Nature, you
half-wits! Nature! The law of the jungle! The blood of the cosmos! The
eternal dance of life and death! See where I'm going with this?"

No one did.

"Then tell me -- what is the purpose of religion? To deny nature,
that's what! To put restrictions on passions and desires and our very
souls!"

The tattooed man (better known as the Conundrum) was sniffing around
the people in the front row. He stopped in front of Margaret Scully.
He stared at her face and she stared back with widening eyes. Dana
Scully suddenly wished that she had her gun.

"The marriage ceremony is nothing but an attempt to put a sickly face
on the bloody visage of nature! With its confining rules and blind
sentiment, it denies us access to our animal side! It separates us
from the very thing which brings man and woman together!"

Blockhead's ranting woke up William Scully. He slowly opened his eyes
and saw a man with drawings all over his face looking back at him.

"You will regret this for the rest of your life," Blockhead warned
Mulder and Scully. "Enter into this contract and you will allow others
to determine your passions. You will cut yourselves off forever from
the heart of the world. And you will die miserable...bitter...and
already dead before your final breath."

He stopped talking. The silence in the church felt odd.

Then Mulder said, "My God, you're right. We can't deny our passions."

He walked up to Blockhead, grabbed his head and gave the freakshow
performer a big kiss on the mouth. A lot of snickering and laughing
could be heard in the church. Scully watched this with a deadpan
expression.

After he released Blockhead's mouth, Mulder said, "What do you say?
You and me."

For the first time in his life, Doctor Blockhead couldn't think of a
single word to say.

"No?" Mulder sighed, then turned to Scully. "Will you have me back?"

"Sure," Scully said. "I'm not getting younger."

William Scully let out a happy gurgle as he reached up with one of his
tiny hands to the Conundrum's face.

The Conundrum smiled. He knelt at Margaret Scully's side and touched
his fingers to the baby's hand.

Margaret Scully slowly looked up to her daughter and not-yet
son-in-law. Others waited for her to flee the church with William in
her arms.

Instead she said, "I think...we can proceed."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

And they did.

Mulder and Scully spoke their vows.

They put on the rings.

They kissed.

After that, it was time for the reception. As people walked into the
dining hall, they sighed and talked happily with each other. There was
a sense that the time for the worst to happen had passed. The marriage
was now official. All possible obstacles had been avoided.

Except for the doorway to Hell in the basement, of course.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

First came the food. Byers and Langly were understandably nervous
about what two cooks could accomplish in so little time. However, as
they helped to serve the lunch to the guests in the dining hall, they
found out that there was enough food for everyone. It was also good;
damn good; real good.

"This stuff is amazing," Skinner commented between bites.

"I feel so bad," Scully told Vic Franklin and Buju. "I didn't invite
you two up here to work."

"Don't worry," Vic replied. "It was a pleasure working with this
fella. He's an artist."

"Same t'ing to you, mon," Buju complimented. "And now I t'ink it's
time we brought out the big meal..."

"What do you mean, 'big meal?'" Mulder asked.

"Well," Vic said, "as you know, I specialize in chili mostly. And Buju
here knows a few things about hot meals. So we put our heads together
and...well, let's show 'em what we got, Buju..."

Buju pushed forward a wheeled tray to Mulder and Scully's table. On
the tray was a covered pot. He removed the lid...

.....and steam erupted from the pot. Everybody at the table -- Mulder,
Scully, Margaret, and Skinner --- flinched. Little William covered his
face. They weren't the only ones to react. Every guest within fifty
feet stopped talking, turned and stared at the pot. Those at the
nearby tables could feel the heat.

"So who wants a bite?" Buju asked.

"As I recall, Mulder, you enjoyed the chili down in Pepper," Scully
noted. "Why don't you..."

"Forget it," Mulder said. "I don't even want to think about what's in
that pot."

"How about you, sir?" Vic asked Skinner.

Skinner only made a face.

"Well, somebody has to try this..."

"I'll try it." That was Agent Doggett at an adjoining table.

Reyes leaned over to him. "John, are you sure?"

"Why not?"

"Here you go, mon," Buju said as he ladled out a bowl of the steaming
chili. Every eye was now on Doggett as the bowl was set in front of
him.

He sniffed at it. "Smells good," he commented, then without hesitation
dipped a spoon into the bowl and sampled the chili.

For one moment, it was so quiet in the dining hall that you could hear
Doggett chew.

Then he swallowed, nodded and said, "That's pretty good." He continued
to eat the chili as if it was breakfast cereal. All around him were
whispers of amazement.

"My God, look at him," Byers said.

"The man must have the fires of hell in his stomach," Frohike
declared.

In reality, Frohike knew nothing about the fires of hell. However,
there was the very real possibility that everybody in that church
would know about them in an half-hour.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Down in the basement, the old man could sense that it was almost time
for the music to start. He was waiting for the band to assemble on
stage. He specifically wanted the drummer to be at ground zero.

Mulder and Scully were targets as well. Those two had been problems
for some time. The old man still stung from the time Scully denied him
the fallen angels. However, it was the drummer for the Burnsides who
ranked number one on the old man's shit-list.

With family, it was always the most personal.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Miles pushed away his empty plate and patted his stomach. "Well, as my
dad used to say, 'I have dined suffice.'"

"I thought your dad used to say, 'How did I raise such a fruit?'"
Carranza observed.

"Excellent meal," Doctor Ivanov said as Bambi wiped a stain from the
corner of his mouth. Meanwhile, Wayne Federman was telling Buju and
Vic of a restaurant in L.A. which would love to hire them. Neither of
them seemed impressed by the offer.

"This was good," former officer Arthur Dales said. "But I once knew a
restaurant in Chicago -- Kelly's was the name. The food there left
this in the dust."

"Don't give me that crap!" former FBI agent Arthur Dales snapped.
"Kelly didn't know a pot from a hole in the ground!"

The bickering by the two brothers was interrupted by Skinner. He was
on the stage in front of a microphone. "Excuse me? Hello? I just
want your attention for a moment."

After the people in the dining hall turned to him, he said, "In a
minute, the band will start up. Before then, I want to read some
letters from people who didn't make it here."

He shuffled through some papers. "Let's see. First, we have Marty
Glenn. She says, 'Congratulations on the wedding. Wish I was there to
see it.'"

Mulder and Scully chuckled. Kresge leaned over to Miles and said, "Was
there some in-joke I missed?"

"I think there are going to be a lot of in-jokes we're going to miss."

Skinner squinted at the next letter. "Uh...this one is hard to read.
It's from...Roland Fuller. He says, 'Thank you for...being nice to me.
Make lots of babies.'"

"Already started," Mulder said as he bounced William on his knee.

"The next is an e-mail. It's from Esther Nairn..."

Scully's jaw dropped. "You're kidding."

"She says..." Skinner frowned. "Well, she says, 'You guys rock,' but
there's a word before 'rock' I rather not say in a church."

Chants of "Come on, Skinman!" and "Say it, say it, say it!" started
up, but Skinner ignored them. He went on to the next letter.

"From Frank Black...'Accept happiness and cherish your moments
together...'"

"That sounded pretty cheerful for him," Mulder observed.

"'...because you never know if those moments will be the last.'"

"Ah."

"The next letter is...that's odd. It's dated from over years ago."
Skinner shrugged. "Anyway, it's from a Clyde Bruckman."

Scully instinctively reached out for Mulder's hand. It was waiting for
her.

"'Well, once again, everybody is having sex except for me. Now you're
probably wondering if I'm going to tell you how your marriage is going
to work out. However, you know the consequences of anybody knowing
the...

"'Oh, what the hell. It's going to be great. Trust me.

"'Of course, maybe this is just me being nice.

"'You'll just have to find out.

"'So congratulations, whatever happens. Yours, Clyde Bruckman.

"'P.S. Don't feel bad about the dog, Agent Scully. It wasn't all that
bright to begin with.'"

Mulder smiled and kissed Scully on the cheek.

"What dog?" former FBI agent Arthur said. "Who's Clyde Bruckman? What
the hell is going on here?"

"Just shut up and listen," his brother ordered.

"The next letter is from..." Skinner paused, then said, "...Tom
Colton."

"Uh-oh," Mulder said.

"He says, 'Well, it finally happened. You are now officially Mr. and
Mrs. Spooky. To tell the truth, you make a great couple. And I'm
speaking honestly when I wish you both happiness. Despite whatever
happened in the past, I hope you have a wonderful future.'"

Mulder and Scully looked at each other. "That doesn't sound like
Colton," she said.

"'P.S. I still hate you both.'"

"*That* sounds like Colton."

"And, finally, we have a letter from Ruby Morris."

Both Mulder and Scully sat up straight.

"'Dear Agent Mulder,

"'You probably don't remember me.'"

"I do," Mulder whispered.

"'Years ago, you told my mother that I would need to talk about
something which happened to me. You were right, but my mother made me
stay quiet. I don't hate her for this. She didn't want me to go
through the same pain she did.

"'Now I am talking about it. I have found people who have gone through
what I experienced. With their help, I'm getting my life back
together.

"'I heard that you're getting married. I decided to write you and tell
you that I'm glad for you. I hope you and your wife will be happy.

"'Yours, Ruby.'"

Mulder closed his eyes. Scully touched the back of his head and kissed
him.

"Well, that's it. Oh, wait a minute." Skinner bent over and picked up
a letter off the stage. "Huh. Didn't see this one. I must have dropped
it. It's from...'Pinchbeck and LaBonge.'"

Mulder lifted his eyelids as quickly as Scully turned to the stage.

"'Love is built out of several components -- trust, passion, humility,
forgiveness, and intimacy. However, none of these components are more
important...than magic.'"

The moment Skinner said 'magic,' tiny golden sparkles erupted from
every flower setting. The initial shock of the guests turned to
pleasure as the sparkles rained on their faces. (There were a few
unimpressed souls. Detective Carranza growled as he brushed the
sparkles from his hair. Jenn snorted, "I used to do way better stuff
than this.")

Skinner said, "'P.S. Rationalize that, suckers.' Well...that's it for
the letters."

"'Bout time," a voice muttered from behind the stage.

"And now it's time for the, uh, entertainment." Skinner frowned. "I
feel like Ed Sullivan up here."

"So get off the mammy-f..."

"Hush, A.C.," another voice behind the stage said.

"Right," Skinner said. "Never mind the introductions. Here are the
Burnsides."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The time had come. The old man looked up at the ceiling. He could
sense his former son among the people in the dining hall. A smile
pushed its way into the raggedy skin of his face.

Shadows fed the dark aura around him. The basement had become as cold
as a meat locker. If you had been standing in that room, you would
have known that a power as hideous and grim as ever to be seen in the
world was flowing through that old man.

It was about to burst upon the church.

The old man closed his eyes and spread out his arms. He summoned the
tempests of the otherworld to blow upon the mortals.  he commanded. 

He took a breath and slapped his two leathery hands together.

And then nothing happened.

Absolutely nothing.

Just as if a switch had been thrown, the power fled the room. All that
was left now was an elderly geezer standing in a basement and looking
around him in confusion.

Then he heard a British voice say, "Cheers, mate."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

As his nephew sang "She's Alright," A.C. Burnside looked over the
dancing crowd. They were mostly white. The one black woman was pulling
that bald-headed dude onto the dance floor. He didn't look willing to
dance, but she managed to convince him into a few awkward moves. They
along with everybody else were being hopelessly outclassed by the
single Hispanic woman and her Caucasian husband who moved together in
a sexy partnership. However, there was an odd grace to the
big-breasted lady who guided her wheelchair boyfriend around the
floor. Sheer exuberance -- or, perhaps, pure spastic behavior -- was
best exhibited by the half-naked guy with the goatee who was now
writhing on his knees. The bride and the groom, however, were doing
the least moving. He just held her from behind and they listened to
the band.

Not everybody was dancing. A fat Cuban-American stood to the side and
smoked cigars with a fat biker chick. Sitting at one of the tables,
the long-haired guy who had set up the sound system was having an
argument with the two old guys who had been arguing with each other
all day. All three of them were drinking like fish. The bride's mother
was looking after a baby with the help of a dark-haired woman who
seemed to be saying "Woooooo" and a guy with tattoos all over his
body.

A.C. decided that there were a real weird bunch of mammy...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"You bastard," the old man snarled.

"Present," the Englishman replied. One of his hands held a cigarette.
The other was tucked into a pocket of his trench coat.

"What did you do, you miserable goat-fu..."

"Ah-ah-ah," the Englishman said as he wagged his finger. "No cursing
in a church."

The old man gave John Constantine a look which had made other mortals
die of fright. Constantine just coolly puffed on his cigarette, then
said --

"I gave the church a nice exorcism before you got here. I deloused it
of the satanic taint. Not enough to close the doorway, mind you, but
enough to make your efforts ineffective."

"How did you know I would be here?" the old man asked in a low voice.

"What is it reporters are always saying in American films? Oh, yes. 'I
never reveal my sources.'"

"Then tell me why?!" the old man shouted. "Why do you dare to
interfere with my business?!"

"First of all, this isn't the first time I've interfered. Second of
all, I owed Mulder and Scully one. They pulled me out of a spot in Las
Vegas." Constantine smiled. "And you know how I hate being in
anybody's debt."

The old man quivered with rage for a few seconds, then sagged in
defeat. "All right. Enjoy your victory. Mulder and Scully will be mine
one day. And I will revenge myself on my cursed spawn."

"I don't think so. Those two agents are insufferably lucky. As for
your former son...well...he's sold his soul to the blues and that is a
jealous god."

The old man stayed quiet for a moment, then said, "What about your
soul, Constantine?" He gave a little smile for the Englishman. "Do you
think you can escape damnation?"

Constantine took his time before replying. Then he tossed his
cigarette away and said, "I'm walking out of here alive, aren't I?"

He did just that, ignoring the angry bellows behind him. After leaving
the basement, he considered going in the direction of the dining hall.
He decided to head for the outside instead.

On the front steps of the church, he encountered a middle-aged,
neatly-dressed woman. She looked like a high school teacher. In fact,
she had been a teacher once.

"Thanks for the tip," Constantine said. "I got here just in time."

"Good."

"One thing I still don't understand -- why did you give me the tip in
the first place? Why risk yourself for Mulder and Scully?"

"I already told you," the woman said, her lips smiling and her eyes
turning black. "It was a pleasure working with them."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

As he hit the drums, Oscar Hall felt a moment of inexplicable
uneasiness. It quickly passed and he helped put the finishing touches
on a hot version of "Tiger in Your Tank."

"Thank you," Meyer Burnside said, smiling for the audience's cheers.
"You're a great bunch."

 A.C. thought. 

"Now...I think it's time to do a number just for the new married
couple. If you could clear the floor..."

Everybody backed to the edges of the dance floor. Scully was reluctant
to be at the center of attention, but with a smile and a tug on her
hand, Mulder led her forward. She gave a nervous wave to the
applause.

"By the way, Agent Scully," Meyer said, "if you want to get up here
with us again..."

There was laughter and cries of "Huh?" from the guests. Scully covered
her eyes and giggled.

"No? Well, then...here's a number specifically requested by the
couple..."

Meyer plugged in an acoustic guitar, tapped a slow beat with his foot,
plucked the strings and sang --

"At a time when the world seems to be spinnin'/ hopelessly out of
control..."

Mulder pulled Scully close to him, and she lost all of her
embarrassment. She no longer cared about anything except the
comforting embrace she felt, the warmth of a chest, the lazy swaying
of two bodies, and the tender voice of Meyer Burnside.

"There's deceivers, believers, and all inbetweener's/ that seem to
have no place to go."

As Reyes watched the married couple dance, she dabbed at her eyes with
a handkerchief. Doggett saw this, smiled and said, "Yeah, that's my
tough FBI partner."

"Oh, shut up," she replied.

 Frohike thought. 

Then he felt his shoulder being tapped. He turned to see Leyla
Harrison.

"Excuse me," she whispered. "But are you Melvin Frohike?"

"Uh, yes."

"Oh, wow. I'm...I'm a really big admirer of yours. Your stories for
'The Lone Gunmen' are incredible."

"Why...thank you."

"You know, after all this is over, could we...you know...have dinner
together?"

Frohike suddenly felt a foot taller.

"I looked to the stars, tried all of the bars/ and I've nearly gone up
in smoke."

Oscar Hall readied his sticks and A.C. prepared to add his guitar. The
latter couldn't believe that they were doing a goddamn Willie Nelson
tune, but at least they weren't being asked to play "Wonderful
Tonight."

"And now my hand's on the wheel of something that's real/ and I feel
like I'm going home."

The harmonica player began to blow. This was odd because the band
wasn't supposed to have a harmonica player. Neither were they supposed
to have a piano player. Yet there were now two new musicians on the
stage. One was a black man wearing a Bugs Bunny T-shirt and a baseball
cap divided into four different colors. The second musician was a
young white woman playing an odd-looking electronic keyboard. A
trained musician can tell the difference between an acoustic piano and
the simulation from an electric keyboard -- usually. If A.C. and Meyer
hadn't known differently, they would have sworn that they were
listening to the real thing.

However, that wasn't the weirdest aspect of the musicians' sudden
appearance. What was really strange was that everybody accepted their
addition. It seemed perfectly natural for the harmonica player and the
keyboardist to join in. Nobody could explain it, but neither did
anybody protest. They behaved like deer caught in the headlights of a
truck, only this truck was going to treat them gently.

Mulder and Scully heard the extra instruments. They also heard, "And
with no place to hide, I looked in your eyes/ and I found myself in
you." So they did look at each other. And that's exactly what they
saw.

"Holy cow," Mulder said. "We're married."

"That's right," Scully told him.

"So what do we do now?"

"Let's dance a little more."

They did that for the rest of the song -- leisurely, content,
entwined.

Then the song was finished. Mulder and Scully stopped dancing, but
they were only looking at each other. They barely heard the applause
of the guests and the voice of the harmonica player.

"Meyer Burnside!" the man in the multi-colored cap said. "Give it up
for him!" After the applause had died down, the harmonica player said,
"Well, let's do another request from our happy couple! Anything you
folks want to hear? Something a little more up-tempo, perhaps?"

In the back of their minds, the Burnsides and Oscar Hall wondered how
this guy took over their band. However, they found themselves
accepting his control. It just seemed...right.

Mulder and Scully finally broke out of their mutual gaze. "Well, I
don't know," Mulder said, then he grinned. "Know any Pet Shop Boys
songs?"

"Mulder..." Scully groaned.

"Wellllll," the harmonica player drawled, "as a matter of fact..."

He spun around and pointed in the direction of the drummer. The
Hispanic man next to Aaron Hall -- the Hispanic man who hadn't been
there before -- began pounding a delirious rhythm on congas. The
keyboard player simulated a tasty string section as a female
bass-player (also suddenly present) provided rhythm.

Then Oscar Hall and the Burnsides joined in along with a new, vaguely
scary guitarist and a large man playing saxophone. There were now
eight instrumentalists up there who had never played all together
before and three of them had never played anything close to the Pet
Shop Boys.

Yet it all worked perfectly. And when the man in the multi-colored cap
went up to the mike and sang "Well, I don't why I was dreaming about
you," his wonderful voice was the final necessary ingredient. Within a
few seconds, the dance floor was full again and nobody cared how they
looked.

Byers noticed Frohike was on the dance floor with Leyla Harrison. In
fact, there were many happy couples out there. He found himself
thinking about the one woman who could have made him happy...

"Care to dance, stranger?" a voice asked him.

He spun around and saw a woman with a blue handkerchief covering her
hair and dark sunglasses over her eyes. However, he could recognize
her anywhere.

"Susanne, you're not supposed to be here!" he hissed. "You're risking
yourself..."

"I know. But I don't care. For once, I just don't want to care."
Susanne Modeski touched Byers on the hand.

"But I do know that I was dancing without you / Then you smiled, and I
was lost/ You fall in love, why count the cost?"

"Come on, John," Susanne said. "Let's boogie."

What else could he do? He joined her on the dance floor and enjoyed
every moment of it.

"All I gave to you/ All you made me do/ I react when I hear people
ask..."

Meyer and the saxophone player called out, "Was it worth it?" (Again,
Meyer was surprised that he knew the lyrics, but it still felt right.)

"Yes, it's worth living for," the man in the multi-colored cap
responded in perfect pitch.

"Was it worth it?"

"Yes, it's worth giving more..."

Margaret Scully worked her way through the crowd with William in her
arms. She reached her daughter and son-in-law.

"I think somebody wants to join in," she observed. Indeed, William was
trying to clap to the beat.

Scully held her son. Mulder wrapped his arms around them both. They
became a still point in the middle of all those ecstatic bodies. They
heard, "If I'd had my way, this would have happened much sooner./ But
until that day, it was only a rumor."

"I love you," Mulder said.

"I love you, too," Scully responded.

"I love our son."

"I love him, too."

"I love the whole freaking world."

"Me, too."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The music stopped -- just at the right moment. The new singer and
musicians just vanished. They didn't even stick around for the
applause.

Aaron and the Burnsides were left alone with a crowd as bewildered as
it was happy.

"Well," Meyer said. "Don't ask me to explain that. Maybe some things
don't need an explanation, though."

This incident did have an explanation, though. Sort of.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Thanks," Miranda Rush told Eshu. "I enjoyed that."

"No problem. I thought you should see Mulder and Scully like they are
in this timeline."

"I'm glad I did." She paused, then said, "It doesn't work this way in
every timeline, does it?"

Eshu's face turned sad. "No. In some timelines, Scully dies during her
post-abduction coma. Or from her cancer. Or Mulder never survives his
own abduction. For every happy scenario, there is an equally unhappy
counterpart."

Then the face under the multi-colored cap brightened. "But here
everything is going to be all right."

"Well, I'm glad. And I'm glad that we got to play with the Burnsides.
That...well, it rocked."

"Of course it did. Take one band from an alternative future whose
keyboardist has the ability to project herself through time and also
has a romantic relationship with a female shape-changing bassist.
Then combine them with a band whose lead guitarist once had a ghost
for a father and whose drummer is a former Anti-Christ. Then have an
African trickster god do the vocals. Now *that* has to be funky."

"Hm. But is it true that everything works out in this timeline?"

"Well...more or less. For this day, at least, there are no more
problems."

Unfortunately, even a god can be wrong.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Part of the reception moved outside, while others stayed inside to
listen to more music. Among those outside were Mulder, Scully and
William. They had their pictures taken at the gazebo. (Scully was a
little anxious during the photo session. She had a bad psychological
association with cameras.) Then they were given congratulations and
gifts from others. Colleen Azar and Carol showed up with an elaborate
painting of a crop circle. Mulder squinted at it and said, "Where's
Waldo?"

Scully slapped him on the arm. "Thanks," she told Colleen and Carol.
"It's beautiful."

"Our pleasure," Colleen said.

"Your baby is so cute," Carol said. "We're thinking about having one
of our own."

Mulder said, "Well, there are plenty of formerly alcoholic sixties
folk musicians around..."

Scully slapped him on the arm again.

Holman Hartz and Sheila Fontaine also showed up with a toaster.
"Thanks for the nice weather," Mulder said.

"It's the least we can do for the people who brought us together,"
Holman declared. "Isn't that right, snuggy-bunny?"

"That's right, bouncy-bear," Sheila answered. The two of them walked
away on a trail of kisses and pet names.

"Promise me we'll never be that disgusting," Scully said.

"Too late, honey-bunch," Mulder warned, then kissed her on the ear.

Then it was Skinner's turn. "Hey, Skinner," Mulder called out. "You
were really getting down on the floor there..."

"No, I wasn't."

"But, sir, I saw you..."

"No...you didn't."

"Ah...no, I didn't."

"Well, I saw you with Audrey Borg," Scully said. "What's going on
there anyway?"

Skinner considered his answer, then said, "I really don't know. But I
guess if you two can be happy..."

"Anybody can," Scully completed with a smile.

Skinner nodded. "Anyway...here's my gift. It's not much, but..."

The assistant director held out a small piece of metal attached to a
ribbon. Scully and Mulder looked at the gift, then at each other, and
back to Skinner.

"Sir," Mulder said, "that's a Purple Heart."

"It is."

"Your Purple Heart, I believe."

"Now it's yours. And Scully's. And William's." Skinner placed the
medal firmly in Mulder's hand. "Don't tell me you haven't earned it.
You have."

"I...I have no words."

"I'll take the money you owe me instead."

"What?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

With a glass in one hand and a microphone in the other, Langly was on
the stage. He was screaming, "White riot, I wanna riot" as the
Burnsides played and laughed at the same time.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Monica Reyes handed Mulder a gift-wrapped CD. He looked at it with
reluctance and said, "These are whale songs, right?"

"Actually it's a Presley collection."

"Oh, cool! Thanks!"

"Thanks, Monica," Scully said, rolling her eyes.

"Well, here's something you might both enjoy," Doggett said. He was
standing next to Reyes. "Reyes and I put this together with Agent
Harrison's help."

He gave Scully a computer disk. "What's on it?" she asked.

"All the X-Files. All your cases in Cliff Notes format. We figured
that William here would want to know what his parents did on the job."

Mulder and Scully stared at the disk. "It's all here?" Scully said.

"All there," Reyes assured her.

"Imagine that," Mulder said, shaking his head. "Everything we've been
through -- the arctic worms, the flukeman, Robert Modell, Eddie Van
Blundht..."

Mulder froze, then slapped his forehead. "Oh, God! I forgot about
Eddie!"

"Don't worry," Doggett said. "He's been taken care of."

"Are you sure?"

"Definitely."

"Well...far be it from me to argue with the Big Dog."

"Far be it." Doggett paused, then said, "You know, Mulder...if you and
Scully are ever in a tight spot..."

"We know who we can trust," Scully said. "Dollars to doughnuts."

Doggett smiled and nodded. After he left with Reyes, Mulder looked at
the disk. "Lots of memories on that thing," he commented. "Needless to

say, not all of them are good."

"Well, speaking of bad memories..." Scully said.

Mulder lifted his gaze and felt his gut twitch.

A woman with short dark hair was walking toward the married couple.
She had an impish smile and a confident stride. After she stopped in
front of them, she said, "Well, well...I just had to see it for
myself."

"You came a long way to see it, Inspector Green," Scully responded
with a stilted voice.

"Not too long. I was attending a conference in D.C. when I got the
word. I decided to slip by and say...'Congratulations.'"

"Thanks," Mulder said quietly.

"And I guess that's it. See you later, Mulder."

Phoebe Green walked away. "See you later?" Scully said.

"Relax, Scully. I'm a married man now."

"Since when has that mattered to Phoebe Green?"

Mulder bit his lip.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Phoebe Green wandered into the dining hall, curious about the music
she heard. Her curiosity was transferred to the gorgeous blonde-haired
man she saw sitting at a table and looking a bit winded.  she thought.

"Excuse me?" she said.

Max Miles looked up and went on alert. The Englishwoman standing
before him had perfectly obvious intentions. In an earlier time, he
would have taken her up on the offer. However...

"Yes?"

"I find it incredibly unfair that such a handsome man as yourself
should be alone."

"Uh, would the fact that I'm married turn you off?"

Phoebe Green only smiled. "I find that most married men get turned off
by their wives pretty quickly."

"I see. How about the fact that I'm bisexual?"

"I find that very interesting. I've done some experimentation myself."

Max's unease turned to distaste. He hated the word "experimentation"
in this context. It seemed to put sex on the level of sticking
electrodes into the brains of rats.

"Look, ma'am..."

"Call me Phoebe."

"I rather not. And I rather not...uh-oh."

Phoebe saw the warning look on Max's face. Someone was behind her. She
turned.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Scully, are you really worried about Phoebe?"

Scully rubbed her thumb over Mulder's hand as she kept one hand
around William. "No. That's not it."

"Then what is it?"

"Come on. Haven't you spent the whole day waiting for the sky to
fall?"

"I have. But you know what? This day has been great. There have been
a few mishaps, but everything is..."

Mulder clamped his mouth shut. He stared at a person over Scully's
shoulder. She turned and saw Henry Weems heading toward the gazebo.

"Oh, damn," she muttered. "Who let him in?"

Weems stopped before them. "Hi, Agents. Or should I say Mr. and Mrs.
Mulder?"

They looked back at him in silence.

"Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Mulder-Scully?"

"Don't take offense at this," Mulder said. "But having you here
doesn't exactly bode well for us."

Weems didn't take offense. Instead he just smiled. "Really?"

"Whenever you have good luck, someone else has bad luck. If you stay
here too long..."

"Mulder, look at me."

He and Scully did so. The two of them had been so unnerved by Weems'
presence that they had to failed to see the cast on his left leg, the
sling on his right arm, and the patch on his left eye.

He announced, "This will be a wonderful day for you. I promise."

Weems limped away. "Well," Mulder said, "maybe he's right. Maybe this
is a good omen for us. What do you think?"

Scully said, "I think...this has been an almost-perfect day."

"Almost?"

At this point, Max Miles strode up to them. "You should know that my
wife just clobbered one of your guests," he informed them.

"Which one?" Mulder asked.

"The Englishwoman."

Scully expressed one of the biggest, cheeriest smiles of her life.
"Now it's a perfect day."

A bird dropping landed on Weems' shoulder. He grinned at the sky.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It came time for the married couple and their child to leave. There
were hugs, tears and promises for a quick reunion. Then the Mulders
(or Scully-Mulders) drove away in an appropriately decorated car.

"Okay, then," Mulder sighed as he steered the car. "We're in the
clear. If any disaster was going to happen, then it would have
happened..."

From out of nowhere, the Bounty Hunter leapt onto the hood of their
car. At the same time, Billy Miles jumped onto the trunk.

Mulder slammed on the brakes. He and Scully kept still in their seats,
knowing that there was nothing to be done. Scully gripped her son
tightly to her chest.

The Bounty Hunter and Billy Miles slipped off the car. The Bounty
Hunter stood on Mulder's side, Billy on Scully's. They both tapped on
an window simultaneously.

Scully and Mulder rolled down their windows. They stared at the alien
soldiers with both fear and defiance.

The Bounty Hunter opened his mouth and said --

"We wish you luck."

"Luck?" Mulder said, feeling as stunned as his wife.

"Yes. Luck."

"No shit?" Scully inquired.

"No shit," Billy answered.

With that, the alien soldiers left.

Mulder and Scully turned to each other. They didn't have anything to
say.

William did. He chose that moment to say his first word.

"Trust," he said. Actually it came out "twus," but his parents
understood him. They regarded William's innocent face for a few
seconds.

Then Mulder said "Right" and kept on driving.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

They went on their honeymoon; where they took it was not important.
What was important was that Mulder woke up on the first night at two
A.M. Scully was not in bed with him and William was not in his
portable crib.

He knew he should have been scared, yet he wasn't. Instead he had a
strong feeling that he should go outside.

He found his wife and son. She was staring past the lights of their
rented lodge in the surrounding dark landscape.

"Scully, what is..."

"Shhh." She pointed to the darkness. "Look."

At first, Mulder could see nothing.

Then he saw light.

He saw people.

(Albert Hosteen nodded toward them, Agent Pendrell waved, Deep Throat
was smiling...)

Mulder drew closer to Scully.

(...Lucy Householder appeared to be at peace, so did the shimmering,
indistinct form of Melissa Riedal-Ephesian, Max Fenig was laughing,
Reggie Purdue winked, Jerry Lamana looked sad yet content, Jack Willis
gazed at Scully with regret but also with acceptance of her new
life...)

She pressed her head against his shoulder.

(...Mr. X stood in charge of Donnie Pfaster, John Lee Roche, Luther
Boggs, Alex Krycek, and C.G.B. Spender, all the souls who would now
serve the needs of those they had harmed...)

William could also see the people. He didn't understand yet what he
was seeing, but he soon would.

(...a man with well-manicured hands bowed slightly, Jeffrey Spender
saluted, Diana Fowley whispered morose words never to be heard...)

Tears began to form in the eyes of the married couple.

(...Melissa Scully wished them well, Emily gave her last good-bye,
Bill Scully, Sr. looked with love upon the man and grandson he wished
he had known and the daughter with whom he was now having his final
reconciliation...)

"Oh, Mulder," Scully said.

(...Bill and Teena Mulder held hands, their years of bitterness fading
away in the light...)

"We will always remember this," Mulder said. "Forever."

(...and then Samantha led everyone to rest and redemption.)

Husband and wife kissed each other. They tasted tears and felt the joy
long denied to them. Over them were a thousand stars -- the messengers
of an universe which had chosen this moment to be as kind as it was
beautiful.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Acknowledgments to Willie Nelson, the Pet Shop Boys and the Clash as
well as to Paul Cornell's "Happy Endings."